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Thursday
Feb022012

The Detrimental Effects of The Franklin Chronicles on The Youth

 

My English teacher wife, thrust a piece of paper accusingly in my face. “Read this!” My eleven-year old son stood next to her beaming.

“What is it?”

“It’s the beginning paragraph of your son’s Persuasive Research Paper.”

“Oh.”, I said, pretending I knew what any of those words meant.

 

To begin, smoking is bad for your health. It can kill you! For some smart people, I could just say that and they would quit, but some people are too ignorant to stop so now I'm forced to throw a bunch of statistics at you. 

 

I laughed. “This is FANTASTIC!” My son beamed even brighter.

“No it’s not. This is supposed to be a serious, persuasive paper, not The Franklin-Damn-Chronicles!” “I know!”, I said, “It’s BETTER than The Franklin Chronicles. So far, I’m persuaded.”

“Well,” Morgan interjected softly, “Mrs. Burries did say it should have a voice.” “Yes, it should have a voice, but not that kind of… You know what, this is YOUR son and this is YOUR fault. Fix it!”

She walked out of the room exasperated, mumbling under her breath.

When the coast was clear, and it was safe, Morgan and I hi-fived.

(Note to self: consider changing site name to "Franklin Damn Chronicles".)

 

Saturday
Oct222011

Revenge of the Mommy Bloggers (Part 4 of 4)






“Holy Crap! Did you see that?!!”, Audwin The Black Belt said panting, heavily. “Gah... Guh...”, is all I could manage. I was doubled over, out of breath. “I mean, they had pitchforks man! Torches with pitchforks. And they actually burned you in effigy! I didn’t think people actually did that anymore. You really pissed off those Mommybloggers.”

“I know, right! Who buys pitchforks any more? Crazy.”, I said, starting to catch my breath.

“I think you’re missing the point...”, said Audwin.

“Anyway don’t you have a black belt in Karate? Why didn’t you use any of your moves on that horde of Mommybloggers that was trying to kill us?”

“First of all, I did. It was called ‘getting the hell out of dodge’. When outnumbered and outgunned, the wise warrior, knows when to bid a hasty retreat. Me and you against 150 angry women, armed with machetes, pitchforks and torches are not good odds.”

“One of them had a cannon too.”

“Really? I didn’t see that.”

“Yes.”

“Well, my point still stands. I think the lesson here is, posing as a Mommyblogger in order to earn a quick buck, is a bit exploitive, not to mention dangerous. Those Mommies are organized and vengeful.”

“Well let that be a lesson to you, since you’re the one who told me to pose as a Mommyblogger.”

“No I didn’t! I told you to... You know what that’s not important. I think the important thing is that we’ve learned that maybe you should focus on something that you’re good at.”

I stared back at him blankly.

“Helloooo?...”, he said searching for a response.

“I heard you. I’m just not sure how much money I can make by napping.”


Tuesday
Oct112011

Mommybloggin' (Part 3 of 4)






My bewbs hurt.

At this point though, I’m not sure if it’s from PMS or from staying up all night, bewb-feeding my twin babies. Uffff!

Bewbs! Am I right?!

Speaking of the twins (the babies, not my twins, hahaha... that’s a little bewb humor), It really annoys me when people come and ask if one is a boy and one is the girl. Hell-ooo! They’re names are Avocado and October, so it’s obvi which is which!

That really gets my frilly little panties in a twist.

Anywho, I’m feeling way too bloated for yoga tonight. The thought of getting into downward-facing dog is unthinkable. I think I’ll just put Avo and Octo in the stroller and take Mr. Squiggles for an extra long walk in the park.

Mommyhood engage!



Audwin blinked at the paper a few times. “Look man...”, he began cautiously. “You know you’re my boy, right?” “Yep.”, I said, making shadow puppets on the wall. “Well I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but don’t you feel like this is kinda... selling out?”

“Pffft! Selling out?!! Absotively! That’s the point. You’re the one who told me that if I’m ever going to fulfill my ambition of touring the world, wearing a suit made of iPads, I need to start a Mommyblog.”

“I never said...”

“And you were right. it was the best idea ever! Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for all that sweet, sweet, Mommyblogging cash to roll in.”

“First of all, I never told you to start a Mommyblog. And to be quite honest, I think you’re perpetrating a fraud. What I told you to do was make a plan, stick to it and... Are you even listening to what I’m saying?”

“Yes... No...

How many iPads do you think I’ll need for my iPad pants?”



Thursday
Oct062011

Toys

 

“It’s a toy.”, My father said flatly.

We were peering through the window of a small, Mom and Pop computer store. The Macintosh had recently been introduced and was on display. “Let’s go in and look at it.”, I insisted. Up close, it was unlike any computer I had ever seen. Rather than trying to recall arcane commands to type into a command line, it had a thing called a ‘mouse’. You simply clicked on menus and dragged windows around and it did what you wanted. It was almost effortless. It was phenomenal! I wanted it. Badly. I was hoping my father would feel the same way and realize he needed this machine for his accounting business.

“Computers are supposed to be difficult. That's what keeps all the dummies away.” My father used DOS. He believed in the command line. For him it was the bright, fluorescent, dividing line that kept the less skilled at bay. Most importantly it kept them from messing up his stuff. He did not see the need.

The following year, I began at the University of Illinois. Computer labs were on the ground floor of nearly every dorm and they were filled with Macs! My major was computer science though, so most of my time was spent on drab Unix boxes, staring at that soulless, blinking, command line.

Despite my great appreciation for programming, I had no talent for it. I had a tough time just getting my programs to compile, much less run. Rather than sifting through reams of green-bar paper, in search of an errant semi-colon, I found myself spending hours on the Mac, creating posters for my fraternity. I would nudge type and pictures around the page for hours, until they were just so.

This did nothing for my computer science grades. It seems my professors had no appreciation for my beautiful, fraternity posters.

“There’s a major called ‘graphic design’ that I’d like to try.”, I was on the phone with my father. For me, graphic design meant that I could do what I spent most of my time doing, while actually earning a degree. Even though I had waited until nearly the end of my third year, my father was understanding. To my surprise, both of my parents had quietly been expecting it. “We were just wondering what took you so long.”

Audwin began, “I need to get a new computer and...”  “Get a Mac.”, I interrupted.

“Yes, yes but I’m looking for something that will...”

“Get a Mac.”

“...Look man, most of us don’t have careers in design so we need computers that are...”

“Get a Mac.”

“...You know, as much as you hype Apple, I really hope Steve Jobs is paying you well.”

“He is not. But you should get one if for no other reason, than to avoid hearing me say, ‘you shoulda got a Mac’ whenever you ask me what’s wrong with your computer.”

He got a Mac. As did nearly all of my close friends and family.

Including eventually, my father.

My friend Heather, posted this on her facebook wall:

 

no one wants to go to the mac store and have the genius say, "yep. its dead." grieving now for Sterling Langston Kwame Ireland. my beautiful macbook pro who drowned on saturday. they are trying to retrieve his data now.


Steve Jobs passed later that evening. I can’t begin to understand the connection between the death of a laptop and the death of the man largely responsible for its creation. I do however, understand the bond between a Macintosh and it’s owner. Much like our childhood toys, they are imbued with something, making them more than mere objects. We cherish them. We argue with them and sometimes we give them names like, Sterling Langston Kwame Ireland.

And when they are gone, we are sad.

Tuesday
Oct042011

Existing (Part 2 of 4)





“Alright so there’s good news and bad news.”, said Audwin the Black Belt. We had spent several days trying to come up with a money-making scheme for my blog. My plan was to make a cool mill’ over a weekend and then retire, traveling the world in my suit made of iPads. Audwin said that the only problem with my “plan” is that it had no basis in reality, and that if it was actually viable, everyone would be doing it.


Details.

“The good news is, you’re a decent writer.” “Thanks.”, I said.

“The bad news is, you don’t exist.”

“Wait... Is this your coded way of telling me that I now have invisible-ghostly powers? Suhweet!!!”

“No, it’s my way of telling you that according to the internet, Black fathers are virtually nonexistent. You told me about a blog that you thought was similar to yours, dooce.com, right?”

“Heather Armstrong. Yeah, she’s pretty fresh.”

“Ok, let’s take a look at her site.”, He tapped on his laptop.

“You know, this would be a lot better on iPad pants.”, I murmured. Audwin ignored me.

“See all those ads?”

“Yeah.”

“Well that’s because there’s a high demand for White, mommy, bloggers.”

“Ok...”

“Let’s do a google search for Mommy bloggers... You see that? They’re all over the place. Now let’s do a search for Black, Daddy, bloggers... You see that?”

“There’s only one, Father Dad.”

“Yep.”

“And he’s not me.”

“Like I said It’s going to be difficult for you to make money from a market that pretty much doesn’t exist.”

“So, you’re telling me that I should try to make money fighting crime using my invisible powers.”

“No.”

“Of course not... That would be ridiculous. So you’re telling me that if I write about being a White Mommy, I’ll be phat paid?”

“No, that’s not what I...”

“Done!”

“Wait?... What’s done?”

“I’ll just write about being a White Mommy. That shouldn’t be too hard, I’ll talk about babies, dogs and yoga. Next problem!”

“You can’t...”

“Next!”

“I really don’t think that’s how it works...”