The key to happiness

People often stop me on the street and ask, "Hey! With all the misery that's going on in the world, how you do manage to maintain your sunny disposition?"

...O.K., so no one really stops me on the street and asks me that, but in my mind they do. And they do it incessantly.

It can sorta be annoying.

Anyway, to those voices in my head, I usually say, "It's simple. The true path to peace of mind and happiness can be found at Starbucks® More specifically, it can be found in a Starbucks® Chai. To be even more specific, true joy is found in a Venti-Valencia-Soy-No-water-no-foam-8-pump-Chai-latte-extra-hot.

I urge everyone to put on your coats and go buy one. Though I must warn you, you will get strange looks when you order it. People behind you will probably sigh heavily and look impatiently at their watches. In fact the barrista may even comment saying something like, "Wow… ummmm… are you a partner?" to which you should reply, "No I am not a partner." (A partner is Starbucks® code for someone who works at Starbucks®. And since you do not work at Starbucks® you should not lie and say that you do. Doing so will more than likely, condemn your soul to eternal damnation. And who needs that?)

You should by no means deviate from the secret formula I have bestowed upon you. It has taken many years to perfect. If you find that you can't drink the entire Venti chai, drink what you can and throw the rest away. This may seem a tad-bit wasteful, but do you want true happiness or don't you?

Alright then shut up!

Once you take the first sip you will experience a true and deep sense of satisfaction. Indeed, birds will begin chirping, the sun will shine a little brighter and all will be right with the world.

If not, I don't know what to tell you.

You're pretty much screwed.

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