Patina of Crappiness


My wife was grading papers. I walked into the room sighing heavily and obviously. She ignored me. “Uff!!! Uggggh!!! Everything sucks!!!”, I whined in a clutch-the-pearls, sort of way. My wife allowed my antics to sail by. “Seriously, it does! Everything on television is HORRIBLE!” (I pronounced it “horr-ee-blay” because every now and then I like to entertain myself by randomly using Spanish pronunciations. It’s fun for the whole family! And by whole family, I mean just me.)

“I mean just look, everything on television is awful! 24–sucks! Heroes–sucks! Smallville–HELLA-sucks! All the shows you like to watch about dead people–suck! Food–sucks! Movies–suck! The weather–sucks! Everything I see has a faint patina of crappiness to it!” My wife continued to grade her papers without comment.

“Did you hear me, I said…” “Yes, I heard you.” “Well?…”, I said waiting for a response. She looked up from her papers, annoyed. “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to give you a response on behalf of everything that sucks?” I thought about it for a second.”Yes. Yes I do. What do you and everything that sucks have to say for yourselves?” ”I’m not going to give you an answer because you are prone to hyperbole and I refuse to give in to your constant catastrophizing.” She went back to her grading.

“First of all!”, I said holding up my finger, “I’m notprone to hyperbole because I don’t know what that means. How can I do something if I have no idea what it is?!!” I finished my point with a triumphant flair.

“And secondly?”, she asked.”Huh?”, I said confused. I had already moved-on in my mind and was contemplating which delicious type of cookie I should indulge in. ”You said first of all so there has to be a second of all.” “Oh…”, I said thinking quickly, “And secondly… I’m pretty sure catastrophizing is not a word. So how can I do something that doesn’t exist. I CANNOT. Ipso facto, everything DOES suck. I win again!” I clasped my hands together, shaking them over each shoulder-Cosby kids style, as I am wont to do whenever I believe I have emerged victoriously from an argument.

“What about Battlestar Gallactica?”, she asked. Damn. I had forgotten about that. I halted mid Cosby-celebration.

“Exactly.”, she said. “So you see husband, EVERYTHING doesn’t suck. Besides, in the midst of the chaos of suckitude, there is always opportunity. With a little talent and ingenuity, it should be relatively easy for you to create something that DOESN’T suck. Better yet, while you’re doing it, you should be able to entertain yourself and leave me the hell alone so I can finish grading my papers.

Maybe you could do the entire thing in your little fake spanish accent.”

“Hmmmmm…”, I said stroking my chin in the thoughtful way that I’ve seen smart people do on television. “Chaos of suckitude huh?… Who said that, Shakespeare?”

“Yes.”, she said. “Shakespeare.”


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