Jerk Powers, Activate!

Me: Tricia, I was just thinking how awesome I would be if I had Spiderman’s Super Powers.

Tricia: Oh Lord, here we go.

Me: What?

Tricia: You always do this.

Me: What, you don’t think I would be awesome with the proportionate strength and agility of a  Spider?

Tricia: First of all, no. Second of all, God would never let you have Super Powers.

Me: Of course he would.

Tricia: Isn’t Spiderman the one who says, “With great power comes great responsibility”?

Me: Yes.

Tricia: Yeah. That isn’t you.

Me: Yes it is.

Tricia: No, it’s not. You wouldn’t necessarily use your powers for evil, but you’d definitely use them to be a jerk. That’s why God would never give them to you. Kinda like Batman.

Me: I’m like Batman?!! Sweet!!!

Tricia: I said KINDA like Batman. You know how Bruce Wayne is Clark Kent’s best friend, but he keeps kryptonite around, “just in case.” That’s kind of a dick move for a best friend. You’re like Batman in a dickish sort of way. Which is why you would never get superpowers. You’re too much of a jerk.

Me: I’m like Batman. Sweet.

The Nutcracker