Birds are Jerks

Birds are Jerks

This bird just looks like an a-hole. Because he is!

This bird just looks like an a-hole. Because he is!

Here's a little known scientific fact: Birds are jerks. I'm not even talking about pigeons because I'm sure we can all agree they are the devil's spawn. I'm talking about those cute, small, sparrows, that are about the size of a fist. The one exception, to this well known fact, would probably be peregrine falcons. I once saw a  falcon dive bomb a pigeon in midair. It exploded it into a cloud of feathers and pigeon sorrow. 

I actually cheered. 

Stupid pigeons. 

The other exception would probably be chickens. They are delicious. 

And turkey. It's delicious as well.

So falcons, chicken, and turkeys are the exceptions because of awesomeness and flavor.

The way I see it, birds no longer have a healthy fear of people and people no longer have a healthy fear of nunchucks.

Recently, I was eating a bagel and talking on the phone in front of my office. I noticed one of the fist-sized, sparrows, approach. When he got closer than I was comfortable with, I shooed him away. He didn't flinch. Instead he hopped closer. I moved to kick him and he hopped aside nonchalantly before hopping right back. He was joined by another. Then another. Soon enough, about ten of his buddies were advancing on me. One even flew about two inches from my head. I heard his wings flapping near my ear. When I turned to look at him, he retreated. 

So did I. 

The French have a phrase: L'esprit de l'escalier which means wisdom of the staircase. It describes any cleverness that comes too late. Mine came after my hasty retreat, when I thought, "I should have punched that stupid, bird, in his stupid, little, bird face."

The problem though is not just the birds, it's the people who feed the birds. If you like to feed birds, because you think they are adorable, woodland, creatures, don't be surprised if you get hit in the back of the head with a pair of nunchucks the next time you do it. 

I don't even own nunchucks, but I will go buy a pair and dedicate the next five years of my life, mastering nunchuck-ery , just for the opportunity to nunchuck you in the head while you throw pizza crust to pigeons. 

You big dummy. 

The way I see it, birds no longer have a healthy fear of people and people no longer have a healthy fear of nunchucks. 

I have decided to walk around with a falcon on my arm  and nunchucks draped around my neck, just in case I run into these people. 

Feel free to join me.

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